the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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