Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
