there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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