I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Swine flu. Run for my life!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
