Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
