I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
me + whiskey = a bad person
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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