How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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