I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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