I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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