I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize