I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
