There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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