So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
