i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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