I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
