3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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