there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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