It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
