Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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