a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore