i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When are your genitals available?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
