my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
