weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
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The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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