My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
