SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
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It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
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Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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