i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
