Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
