I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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