I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
