i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
