My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
