I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
