u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
