she woke up with a sticky ear
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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