Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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