My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
