All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
