oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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