is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
