I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
