I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
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That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
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Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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