the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize