Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
