Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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