I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
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i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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