pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
