I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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