I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
PANTIES FOUND
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
