Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
