I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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