I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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