we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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