So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Randomize
