Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
