I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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